I’m thinking about mindfulness. But maybe I should be observing it. Can I observe myself observing my mindfulness? Is that even possible? Look, I can’t feel guilty about thinking about my mindfulness because I have enough on my plate already. So, this is what I’m going to do: observe my thoughts of my mindfulness. Maybe that way I’ll become aware of my feelings rather than think about them. How does that sound?
Maybe thinking about anything is my problem. Who said I have a problem? I guess I did. I just did.
I don’t want to create problems that don’t exist, but I do have this inner sense of impending doom that I can’t shake. Like, anything could crumble at any minute. You ever get that? How do you shake that? How do you make that monster disappear? Is it my childhood? Is it my ex-girlfriend? Is it the fact that I’m in my 30’s and don’t have a job? I just don’t know.
Sometimes when I have a sense of impending doom I eat a fruit salad, and I feel better. That makes me think I don’t have a sense of impending doom, but that I was just hungry. I’m open to that possibility. I’m open to anything really. I’ll take what I can get in troves in this world.
Other times I just want to walk down the street giving people high-fives. I want them to cheer me on as I walk down the street. I think they know where I’m going and that I’m on my way to doing great things. Of course I’m not doing them yet, but they know it’s all a part of my big plan. Or someone’s big plan for me. Who knows. If someone has a big plan for me, I wish they’d send me an email or an in-message from Linkedin or something like that. Like, maybe he could holla-athca- boy, know what I’m sayin’?
This morning I sat still for three minutes and listened to the whirr from my ceiling fan. Then I ate some Special K. Then I obsessed over what people thought of me for three hours. But that’s ok. It felt like a start.